How to make your own loo roll and loo roll alternatives

The mass panic loo roll purchasing over the last few weeks has seemed crazy to most of us, especially in the midst of a pandemic that does not significantly affect bowel function. 

The psychology behind it might actually be more ridiculous than the panic buying itself: during times of crisis, humans may be psychologically drawn to purchasing loo roll because it is big in size and we believe big things to be important.

Additionally, because it is so large, taking a couple of loo rolls from the loo roll shelf creates a larger gap than it would if you took a couple of carrots from the carrot tub. So people start panicking and buying more, creating the craziness of the last couple of weeks.

With this in mind, here are Shake and Speare’s top tips on surviving life in a loo-roll-less world:

1. Make yourself some reusable loo roll
2. Make your own loo roll

Make yourself some reusable loo roll

Many of us have ample spare time at the minute. With this, there seems to be pressure from everyone and their mother to use it productively and get creative.

Keeping these criteria in mind, there must be no better way to utilise your time than creating some reusable loo roll; it’s cost effective, looks pretty and means you don’t have to undertake a dangerous escapade to the local supermarket and comb the isles for an elusive 6 pack.

To create reusable loo roll, first venture to the linen cupboard, or wherever it is you keep old sheets that you can’t bare to throw out, yet no longer have any use for. You’ll be needing your softest bed sheet, in white or another light shade. Avoid darker shades such as black or brown for obvious reasons. You want this reusable loo roll to be practical.

Cut your bed sheet into loo roll sized strips. If you know you’re a person who favours three squares, cut your strips three squares long. If you favour four, cut them four squares long. If you favour five, that’s a little much and you should probably think about fixing your habits. There’s a shortage going on, after all.

When you finish cutting your sheet into strips, use a sewing machine to stitch a zig-zag pattern the entire way around the strip, about 3cm from the edge. Voila, you have reusable loo roll! Neatly place them in a basket on top of your toilet and use as required.

Ensure you have provided a laundry bag next to the loo for the used strips. On wash day, just tie up the bag and chuck it in the machine to wash on hot.

Make yourself some non-reusable loo roll

If reusable loo roll just doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, but you’re still keen to get crafty, that’s okay! With some newspaper (we recommend the Sun), a few tools and a little baby oil, you can produce loo roll that’s almost as good as the store bought version.

First of all, take your newspaper and soak it in a large bucket of water. Remove when the ink appears to be about 75% gone from the paper. 

If you’re using the Sun as your source material, take a minute to remark on the improvements you’ve already managed to make to the publication.

Then, go out into your garden and collect the nicest grass and leaves you can find (if you do not have a garden, collecting these on a walk is fine, as long as it’s your only walk of the day). 

You’ll want to place these in a large pot with your wet paper – they help the paper fibers remain together. Fill the pot with water, making sure to cover the paper. Place the whole pot over heat and simmer for an hour.

After an hour, you want to begin the process of turning the paper into pulp. Bring your pot to a boil and add more water if needed. This could take up to another hour.

Once boiled, remove from the heat and allow to cool. Slowly remove the water out so as not to disturb the pulp, then add in 4 tablespoons of baby oil and mix. This is important – without it the mixture will dry, rendering you a well meaning individual that spent the last few hours boiling newspaper.

Now take a towel and lay it across a work surface. Spread your pulp across it and use a rolling pin to mash the pulp into a fine layer. Proceed to put a second towel on top of your finely rolled pulp, then weight it down. This should squeeze out the spare moisture.

Finally, remove the top towel and weights and leave to dry in the sun. Once dry you’ll be able to cut it into strips. Congratulations! You and your rectum are about to undertake an enviable adventure together into the world of sustainability.